How to turn down a friendship without coming across like a jerk
Wanna know a secret? One of the ironies about writing and speaking publicly about friendship is that now I get many more requests for friendship than I can handle, which is…slightly awkward. I’m “the friendship lady” but I not-infrequently need to turn down incoming requests for friendship. 😬🙃
(🔥 Hot tip if you want more friends: Talk about friendship a lot.)
On the surface, it’s a completely rad blessing. Except that…you can't really be friends with everyone.
I hardly have enough time for the small circle of my closest friends. Not to mention, I need to preserve my limited supply of that precious mettle (not a typo) that is Introvert Energy In An Extrovert World™. Consequently, I have priorities. My priorities are a commitment to the values, relationships, and experiences that are most precious to my heart.
So today I’d like to dive into a topic that comes up now and then for most earth-dwellers living among other earth-dwellers: Saying no and setting boundaries with your friends. Bonus: Dealing with rejection! How to not fall to pieces when people turn down your requests for closer friendship! How to keep your head up when friends set boundaries with you!
How to turn down a friendship without making it awkward
…A.K.A How to gracefully turn down a request for friendship from a perfectly wonderful person that you simply don’t have the bandwidth or motivation to incorporate into your life.
In the section about socializing styles in my book We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, I shared the story about a time when I was getting a lot of requests to hang out from a new acquaintance and I wasn’t going to be able to add her to my circle of close friends. I know that dealing with rejection can be hard, so I wanted to be kind to her while also maintaining my boundaries. Here’s what I told her over the phone:
“I have to be honest with you and admit that I’m stretched too thin. I’m not able to give each of my friends the attention they deserve, including you. I am realizing that I can only maintain a smaller social circle and so I need to take a step back. I wanted to let you know because I want to be fair to you, and so you can focus your energy on folks who have more availability to hang out with the wonderful person that you are.”
This was was hard to say, but it took a huge weight off my shoulders. She was gracious about it and said she understood. [Update: We maintain a friendly acquaintanceship with once-in-a-blue-moon contact.] In order for a friendship to avoid becoming a constant source of disappointment and feelings of neglect, you need to be realistic and honest about how many friendships you can actually maintain.
Other examples of saying no and setting boundaries with friends
“Sorry, homie! Thanks for asking, but I’ll pass. 😘”
“Thanks for inviting me to your party but I’m not doing big gatherings this month. I hope you have fun!”
“I appreciate you thinking of me and I admire how much energy you have for friendship. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to keep up with your pace. Wishing you lots of luck on your search for new friends.”
“Thanks for the info about the job opening on your team at work. This might sound weird, but I prefer not to work too closely with friends. Things can get complicated! I’ll spread the word about the job opening, and I look forward to spending time with you when we’re both off the clock. 😎”
“I’m flattered that you want to set me up on a date with your sibling/cousin/coworker, but for simplicity’s sake, it’s best if I keep my romantic relationships separated from my existing friendships. I’m sure they’re a great person, and I wish them luck on their dating adventures!”
Books for setting limits and boundaries
If setting boundaries and saying no is easy for you, congrats. If this is hard for you, I completely understand. This is an especially challenging situation for people who were raised to be “nice girls” and people-pleasers. But just like weight-lifting or remembering to refill the ice cube tray, it gets easier with practice.
Three great books that can help you build your skills at setting boundaries and especially with saying no are:
📗 Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
📓 Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown
📕 The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say it and Mean it―and Stop People-Pleasing Forever by Susan Newman PhD.
Fun fact: Most of the time you don’t even need to use the word “no” when you decline. Susan Newman’s book especially has tons of examples of how to set boundaries and say No in a variety of situations.
Just keep in mind that rejection hurts. It’s particularly hard to hear “no” when someone’s reaching out to establish or grow a closer friendship, so while you aim to be clear and firm, also strive to be empathetic and kind.
Another great resource to check out for help setting boundaries and saying no is the work of my colleague Justine Ang-Fonte who runs the popular Instagram account @_good.byes_. We collaborated on a blog post together for how to set boundaries with that one neighbor that you keep running into and would rather not have to interact with.
How to not get your feelings hurt when people turn down your invitations
…A.K.A. How to not spiral into shame, sadness, and self-denigration if someone says no to your invitations.
If your feelings are hurt after someone turns down your attempts at friendship, try not to take it personally. Remember that being declined often has nothing to do with you. It usually has to do with how much time or energy someone is juggling in their life. It has to do with the priorities they’ve already committed themselves to. Be grateful that they were thoughtful enough to be upfront with you instead of ghosting or stringing you along and giving you false hopes.
Where to go if you want to make new friends
If you want to make new friends, come to my platonic matchmaking gathering, Here To Make Friends. At Here To Make Friends, you can meet a whole bunch of people that you have things in common with, AND feel confident that they’re as interested in making new friends as you are. I do hand-curated matchmaking for every single attendee. I’ve hosted it for adults across the United States (and some outside the US too) and I even held a special edition of it with NPR for Invisibilia listeners in late 2021. I’d love to welcome you to our next gathering!
Catch you on the flip side,
Kat
Keep growing, keep building
To get inspiration for creating stronger friendships and cultivating more community in your life, subscribe to the We Should Get Together newsletter, sent from me, Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships