How to give gifts they'll love (and what to do with gifts you hate)
Do you suck at giving gifts? Quit stressing, bb! Instead of freaking out at the last minute, plan ahead and borrow some of these ideas.
This post covers:
Why most gifts suck
What to do instead of giving a gift
How to share your wish list
How to give gifts that don't suck
What to do if someone gave you a bad gift
How to get rid of a bad gift
Gift Lists Galore! Cheat sheets with gift ideas for different kinds of people (bookworms, artists and crafty types, colleagues, childfree peeps, parents, and more)
🏃🏾♀️ If you're in a hurry, just scroll to the bottom for quick gift ideas for different kinds of friends (and Secret Santa / White Elephant parties!)
🏋🏻♀️ If you want to improve your gifting skills overall, keep scrolling to learn how to come up with better gift ideas on your own. I used to be super anti-gift…and if you catch me on certain days, I still am. That's because most gifts suck. But they don't have to.
Why most gifts suck
According to the National Retail Federation, more than half of Americans plan on returning unwanted holiday gifts within a month of receiving them. Guess why:
They're poorly chosen, useless, or redundant 💩
They don’t match with the preferences or needs of the recipient
They were given out of obligation simply because the calendar says you should give a gift on X date
The gift-giver prioritized their own preferences above the feelings of the gift recipient
Because we live on a planet that’s frequently on fire and running out of resources, we all need to be concerned about the waste and useless materialism of most gifts. Crappy gifts create more trash when the recipient dumps it at Goodwill or worse, into a landfill. Most returned items cannot be resold as new, and returning unwanted gifts generates 15 million tons of carbon emissions.
Bad gifts aren’t just bad for the planet: They can also deliver you to the exit door of your relationship. To see how a poorly-chosen, insensitive, or outright offensive gift can damage a relationship, see spicy examples from Reddit here, here, here, and here.
And did you know economists can be hilarious? In the 10-minute Planet Money podcast segment below, economists explain The Efficient Present Hypothesis and provide their ultra-short research summary about whether you should use a wishlist, give cash, or not. If you think the only thing that matters is “it’s the thought that counts” — think again! A bad gift implies a lack of thinking, which reflects poorly on the whole dang relationship. A survey by happycards.com of 980 adults found that relatives were the most likely to give bad gifts.
According to a study by Finder.com reported in USA Today:
50% of Americans receive two undesirable gifts every year
46% receive clothes and accessories they don’t want. The runners-up for least-wanted items include cosmetics, fragrances, unwanted books, and tech gadgets.
What to do instead of giving a gift
All of the above are valid reasons not to give a gift at all. But you still want to do something nice, right? Instead of giving a gift, consider inviting the other person to join you in choosing an experience that you both want to share together. Create memories together doing something that you both want to do.
If you want the experience to feel like a gift, ask the recipient to name 2-3 things that they love. Then use your imagination to come up with a way to combine those into an experience. The two things don’t need to be related to each other to still fit into a cohesive and fun outing or experience design. For example:
They love animals and pastries, so: You plan a visit to the local wildlife refuge and afterward take them to a nice French bakery for chocolate croissants.
They love fresh pasta and stargazing, so: You take them to a planetarium astronomy show, then out for dinner at a local Italian restaurant that makes their own pasta daily. If you don’t live locally, you can give gift certificates to these two special experiences. Wrap up the gift certificates in something that extends the theme, like astronomy wrapping paper.
By sharing — or gifting — an experience instead of giving a material object, you’ll create new memories. And as long as you both get to chime in about what kind of shared experience would feel good to you both, it’s bound to be something that makes each of you happy with the outcome. Bonus: No extra clutter laying around the house!
How to share your wish list
If someone has an annual habit of giving you crappy gifts, that makes them an excellent fit to receive your wishlist. If you’re not sure how to broach the topic, you can say:
Dear Aunt Mabel, I’ve decided to join the 21st-century habit of assembling wishlists for holiday and birthday gifts. I’m not doing this to be bossy or demanding. I’m just concerned about the waste accumulating on our already overtaxed planet. My preference is not to receive any gifts at all, but if you must get me a physical gift, you’ll see that my wishlist has a range of items ranging from free or low-cost all the way up to special indulgences that are pricier. Please know that I never expect or require a gift, but if you want to get me one, you can know that I would be 100% delighted to receive anything on this list [INSERT THE LINK TO YOUR WISH LIST].
Make sure your wishlist settings are set to Public so that anyone you give the link to can see it.
How to give a good gift
A thoughtfully-chosen gift that is useful and desired by the recipient is truly something special.
🙅🏽♀️ If the gift you’re planning to give is useful but not likely to be desired by the recipient, do not give it.
🙅🏽♀️ If the gift might lead your recipient to sigh or roll their eyes, thinking “What am I gonna do with this?,” do not give that gift.
🙅🏽♀️ If you can’t envision the recipient spending their own hard-earned money on that item, do not buy it for them.
💁🏾♀️ A good gift is: Useful AND Desirable
💃🏽 A great gift is: Useful AND Desirable AND Eco-friendly
The #1 thing to do to ensure that you give a gift they’ll love is to ASK. There is nothing wrong with asking what kind of gifts they’re open to receiving. Then simply follow those instructions.
Old timey Miss Manners thinks that asking someone what kind of gift they want is gauche, but times have changed. According to new research featured on the BBC, “Research suggests that recipients are delighted to receive the gift they’ve already specified. Givers are deceiving themselves that an off-list choice will be more welcome.” On the Hidden Brain podcast episode The Secret to Gift Giving, Jeff Galak (a Carnegie Mellon professor and researcher who studies gift giving) advises, “Givers think that surprise is critical, and over and over again we find that that is just not true.”
As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind.” So ask your gift recipients for their wish list, then follow through and give the gifts they really want. If you suspect that they don’t keep a wish list and you want to be sneaky, you can ask them something like:
What’s a product you learned about this year that you loved but held yourself back from buying?
What’s one thing that would make your life easier or more enjoyable?
What’s something that you used to have but it broke or got lost along the way?
You can even send them a link to a Google doc and ask them to drop a link or a note in it any time they encounter something that they’d be delighted to have. Galak, the researcher quoted above on Hidden Brain does this with his wife. For twelve years, they’ve kept a shared Google doc that they periodically add things to it that they’d like to receive. When a gift-giving occasion comes around, they select an item from the list for each other. The surprise ends up being when they get the gift — not what the gift will be.
If you’re determined not to ask your friends or loved ones what they’d like as a gift because you’re dedicated to the element of surprise, then use the recipes and formulas below to figure out a thoughtful gift. Once you’ve used one of these combinations to come up with a great gift idea, I still suggest sneakily running the idea past them before giving it, to suss out if it’s something they really would desire.
All-star Gift Recipes
💡 Recipe #1: A topic they never get tired of talking about + An activity they have enjoyed in the past
Example: Your friend is fired up about fighting for reproductive rights and bodily autonomy + They’re into yarn crafts = Feminist knitting patterns and/or these cozy handmade Smash the Patriarchy socks on Etsy
💡 Recipe #2: Something they complain about + Something that makes them happy
Example: Your friend is always complaining that they’re freezing + They love tacos = Taco slippers and DoorDash credits with a link to the menus of top-rated Mexican restaurants nearby
💡 Recipe #3: Something they already love + something they’re learning about
Example: They love listening to nerdy lectures + they’ve been learning more about mushrooms = Mushroom growing kit or an invitation to go together to a class at your local mycological society that you deliver in a cute mushroom-themed card.
💡 Recipe #4: Something important to them + Something playful
Example: They are concerned about the environment + they secretly love fashion and have been working on their lewks = Invite them to a Thrift Store Runway Competition. You go to the thrift shop together and each pull together your best outfit for less than $30. To celebrate, each of you wears your new outfit on the same during in the following week and then dish afterward about the questions and comments your outfit earned.
What to do if someone gave you a bad gift
If you’ve ever received a gift and immediately felt like one of these faces (even if you stuffed those emotions down and pushed a smile across your face), I want you to know that you have full permission to not keep that gift.
Depending on your relationship with the person, you determine how honest you can be with them about how ill-fitting the gift is. If you’re super close to that person and can have open honest conversations, consider talking to them about why the gift was not a fit for you.
Whether you discuss it or not, you have zero obligation to keep a gift you don’t want, don’t need, don’t like, or won’t use. Keeping a gift that irritates you every time you see it actually creates a strain on your relationship because it’s a reminder of disconnection in the relationship.
👉🏾 Once you’ve opened the gift, you have completed your task as the recipient. Be gracious, say thank you, and move on. If you don’t want the item, you are free to get rid of it any way you want to, as soon as you want to.
How to get rid of a bad gift
Repurpose it
Modify it into something else that you can use
Take it apart and reuse the component pieces for other purposes
Give it to someone else who would actually find it useful and desirable. One of my followers calls this “reuniting the gift with its true owner” so it can fulfill its life purpose. A good place to give things away is your local Freecycle, Buy Nothing, or NextDoor community group.
Trade it for something else on TradeMade, Bunz, LuckySweater, or your local Buy Nothing community group.
Sell it on eBay or your local online marketplaces.
Donate it to local Out of the Closet, Goodwill, St Vincent DePaul, or thrift shops.
Recycle it
The mega list of gifts that don’t suck
Ok, now that we’ve got through all of that, here’s a list of gifts below that shouldn’t suck. I say “shouldn’t” because awesomeness is in the eye of the gift receiver.
Don’t get fooled by focusing too much on the element of surprise or the big unveiling. As gift researcher Jeff Galak found in his studies and reported on the podcast Hidden Brain, gift givers put too much emphasis on “the wow factor” at the moment a gift is unwrapped — but what actually makes recipients the happiest is getting a gift that is useful and meaningful over a long duration of ownership.
To help create the lists below of likely-to-be-appreciated gifts, I solicited input from many of my Instagram followers who had TONS of wonderful opinions and hot tips.
But keep in mind that you can’t just choose any ole random gift and know for sure that it’s a good one. You know your friends best, so you have the best sense of what they would find useful and desirable. And remember that sometimes *not* giving a gift is better than giving a sh*tty gift. Choose wisely. 🎁 👇🏾 🎁
Gifts for Readers, Bookworms, and Writers
A book that you love or feel confident that they would adore. Gift cards to a local independent bookseller. Here is my Bookshop shelf full of book recommendations in a range of categories: friendship books, personal growth books, creativity books, antiracism books, and more.
A Little Free Library for their yard
A subscription to Oh Reader magazine
Membership in a Book Exchange
Membership in Literati or Book of the Month monthly subscriptions
Floating bookshelves that match their style and decor
A personalized and handmade bookmark from Etsy
Portable reading light for travel reading; amber reading light for late-night reading
Stuff that enhances the reading experience like fuzzy socks, tea, playlists of instrumental music, plus highlighters, post-its, page flags (my personal fave), and pencils if they like to annotate their books.
Ticket to a live book reading by one of their favorite authors
Invitation to a Dinner & Reading Friend Date: You cook or order takeout then after dinner you hang out quietly reading together. #introvertheaven
Gifts for Crafty/Maker/DIY types
A gift card to a local art supply store
A gift card to the fabric or yarn store
A craft kit like the Subversive Cross Stitch Kits from Junebug & Darlin
Prepaid pass to a class that they can attend on their own or with you as a Friend Date
Beautiful yarn to add to their knit-or-crochet stash
Offer to help with grunt work on a project
Beautiful supplies and stationery for avid letter-writers
Artsnacks subscription box membership
A prepaid pass to the Journal as Altar workshop
The Daily Project Deck by Molly McLeod
Membership in the Keep Writing Project, a monthly subscription to receive a handprinted letterpress postcard that contains a writing prompt. When you receive each month’s postcard artwork, you can keep it or write your reply on the back and return it to the creator Hope Amico to add to the archive.
A copy of the BFF Builder Bundle, which is handmade by me :)
Invitation to Friend-day Crafternoon: You bring snacks and hang out at one of each other’s houses making stuff all afternoon
Gifts for Colleagues
*Assuming that you're allowed to give gifts at work
Homemade treats like gingerbread cookies and flavored popcorn
Gift cards to Bookshop.org
The BFF Builder Bundle by Kat Vellos 💁🏾♀️
Rocketbook Reusable Notebooks with Frixion erasable pens (which are my personal obsession)
The Stanford d.school’s books about creativity
The gifts that got stolen most frequently during trading sessions at my last team White Elephant Party were a box of gourmet salts, and a tea mug that came with its own built-in tea leaf strainer
Gifts for childfree friends
Quality time together as friends (without the kiddos!), like taking a day trip, short inexpensive weekend trip, or taking a class together if you can’t get away for longer
Anything that levels up their hobbies
For your friends whose love language is food and drinks, check out country-themed boxes like TokyoTreat for your friends who love to travel to a particular country or region.
A homemade giftcard for help with yardwork, weeding, and house projects.
Gifts for friends who are always cold
I’m obsessed with my battery-operated heated vest. I’ve worn it nearly every day for two years. All you do is plug a portable USB charger into the pocket, and it heats the vest up and keeps you toasty. Trust me, this thing is heaven.
Weighted, microwavable, heated neck and shoulder wrap. Can be used as a hot or cold pack over the next and shoulders.
Road trip to a warmer place for an adventure together.
Heated stuffed animals — if you’re crafty, make one of these yourself out of fabric and fill the inside with dry rice.
Rechargeable pocket-sized heaters/hand-warmers (not the disposable kind that will sit in a landfill forever!)
Handmade and/or eco-friendly legwarmers
Gift certificate to the local sauna, hot tub, or steam room
Electric mug warmer for keeping tea and coffee warm and at the perfect temperature
Gifts for parent friends
A full night without kids! Have the kids sleep over at your house, and you plan a meal or date for the parents. Or take the kids on an outing to give parents a break.
Childcare “gift certificates” that they can cash in for a time when you’ll babysit free of charge
Activities and dates that are prepaid for them to just show up to
Indulgences they can sneak into small bits of free time
Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay by Liz Fosslien
Offer to show up and cook dinner for them and the kids
Offer to holiday shop, wrap, and hide gifts for them
Fancy bed linens (assuming they no longer have wee ones who spontaneously throw up lol)
To recap
Make sure that the gift you’re planning to give is both useful and desirable to the recipient. If you think it might be useful, or they might like it, I urge you to think a little harder, ask them directly, or do some secret research with other people in their lives to get extra perspective on your gift idea.
If the gift you’re thinking of giving:
Is likely to be redundant or something they already have
Is in the “questionable” category with regard to whether they’ll like it
Will create work for them to figure out how to keep it, use it, or return it
… then don’t give that gift!
Think harder, ask braver questions, or invite them to join you in planning an excursion you can experience together instead of gifting each other material objects.
If someone gave you a cringey gift, just be polite and say thanks knowing that you are absolutely free to discreetly get rid of it later. Or, if you’re super close to that person and can have open honest conversations, talk to them about why the gift was not a fit for you.
I hope this guide helps you figure out how to give better gifts that strengthen your friendships, and navigate those awkward moments with bad gifts (at least bad gifts make great stories, 🤪). Good luck!
XO,
Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships
Just can’t get enough?
Learn more about how to give great gifts by checking out the Hidden Brain podcast episode, The Secret to Gift Giving.
