How this all got started...
A craving for friendsh fries
On a beautiful sunny afternoon back in 2015, I wanted to spend some time with friends, grabbing french fries and talking about life. But no one was free because I hadn't booked plans with them a bazillion years in advance. I realized that friendship had suddenly gotten way too hard.
I started asking other people what their experience of friendship was like. Most folks said they felt the same way. So I decided to investigate the root of the problem and figure out how to solve it.
As a UX (user experience) designer, my job is to research the difficulties that people encounter when they're trying to complete a task—and then design ways to fix it. Friendship is super important to me so this project felt like my life's calling.
In the process of this exploration, I created Better than Small Talk in 2015 to bring people together for meaningful conversation. Because small talk sucks.
And I kept going, talking to hundreds of people about their experiences of friendship, connection/disconnection, and community.
We talked in coffee shops, front porches, living room couches, backyards, public parks, neighborhood walks, car rides, college reunions, wedding receptions, parties, over meals, tea and cocktails, and from a distance through our zoom calls, phone calls, and keyboards.
People described:
How disconnected they felt when they were new in town — or not so new in town — and still didn't have any friends.
How they didn't know how to connect with old friends who had slipped away.
How they didn't know how to handle tough conversations with friends whose ethnic backgrounds and life experiences were very different from their own
How to have hard conversations after there's been a breach of trust.
We laughed together, cried together, and sat in the stillness when there were no more words to say.
A tiny snippet of replies to my survey about friendship and community. There were pages and pages of answers like this, where people poured out their frustration about how hard it is to make friends as an adult and how they wish it could be easier to connect with friends in fun and meaningful ways.
Over the next couple years, I compiled a huge amount of my own qualitative research. During that time, I also read a mountain of academic research about the loneliness epidemic, how loneliness impacts our physical and mental health, and what really works to create belonging and connection. Thousands of hours, many late nights, and a lot of weekends later, I was finally done: I wrote the book We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. It was released in January 2020. I loved it, readers loved it, and we were all gonna get together.
Then bam, the COVID-19 pandemic broke out. So I released a short addendum — think of it as an extra chapter — called Connected from Afar, to give folks a specially-curated set of tools for nurturing their friendships from a distance. It's got six months of weekly connection prompts that you can do with your homies across the country, or across town.
I illustrated both books too, because a picture is worth a thousand edited paragraphs. These topics can sometimes feel heavy, embarrassing or frustrating, but they shouldn't, and I wanted to add some levity to the conversation. This ish is hard for almost everyone. I love to draw and I wanted you to smile. So there you go.
The end result is two books that will keep a smile on your face while giving you the tools to start having better friendships right away. It worked for me, and it's working for other people all around the world. See what readers and professional readers say about it.
So, that's the story!
photo by alethia williams
What can I help you with? Over the last 20 years (yeah I'm older than I look, thanks), I've been running workshops and communities where people find belonging, personal growth and authentic connection.
I've coached individuals through a wide range of life and career transitions; and I give talks at conferences, associations, and at companies.
If you're struggling with friendship, connection, or transition in your life, I'd be honored to help you through it.
No matter how you got here, thank you. Thank you for supporting my work with your readership, reviews, comments, shares, and donations when you find something extra helpful for you personally.
I’m glad you’re here. Get comfy and have a look around.