This advice column is a public service by me, Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. I’m a certified connection coach and have been facilitating community groups for almost twenty years. I regularly speak and lead workshops on the topics of adult friendship and cultivating healthy work teams. If you’d like to work with me, reach out on my booking contact form. If you have a question that you’d like answered in a future blog post or newsletter, instructions are at the bottom of this post.

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Today I’m going to answer a couple of the questions that you wonderful readers sent me. The first question is from someone who says:

Q: “Hello, I would love to hear some thoughts about how to approach a friendship that is fizzling for good, or how to ease out of a friendship that no longer serves us.”

And I’m going to weave this together with a second question that came in from someone who said:

Q: “Hi, I am the friend who wants to pull away from a girlfriend who I love, but who seems to have a lot of jealousy. I’m working hard not to ghost her as I am really, really averse to confrontation, but at this point, if I talk to her or set a boundary, I’m afraid the floodgates will open, and all of my built-up resentment will just pour out.”

So those were our two questions from readers today, wondering about how to take a break in friendship, either permanently or temporarily — AND they’re thoughtful enough that they don’t want to come across like a big jerkface. You want to do it in a thoughtful and considerate way. So, thanks for sending in those letters, folks. And feel free to send in letters anytime you would like me to respond to something in my newsletter or on the blog. 

Here is my advice for both of these readers… Their questions are quite similar, so I want to respond to them together.

First, to the first person who sees that this friendship is fizzling and they do intentionally want to ease out of a friendship that doesn’t feel like a fit for them:

Option 1: Let it mutually fade

One clarifying thing I would start with is to really check to see if it feels like it’s mutually fizzling. If it does feel like it’s mutually fizzling, you and your friend are both kinda pulling away, the friendship is just kind of fading-to-black very slowly, and you’re fine with that, and you kind of sense that your friend is fine with that… You can just let it fade. You reach out less often, you see each other less often, and things gradually fade out. You don’t actually have to take any particular action at that time. The majority of friendships actually “end” in this way rather than with a very clear breakup or ending. So it’s absolutely fine to do that. And the nice thing about the slow fade is that you can always revive the friendship again later. If you and/or the friend feel like reconnecting later, it feels like that door is still open because it was never actually firmly closed.

Option 2: Ghost (not ideal!)

If, on the other hand, it is not fizzling, but you really want it to, because you want out of this friendship, you have a couple of options. As you mentioned, you could ghost. I don’t usually recommend ghosting, although I understand that for some people it feels a little gentler, and a little less confrontational. Sometimes we ghost when we’re actually just running away from our own discomfort with having an open, honest conversation.

Option 3: Tell them, either in person or in writing

Usually, I find the clarity of a conversation to be much more soothing than the anxiety that accompanies a mysterious ghosting. It is possible to declare your wish to step out of this friendship without coming across like a jerk. This is the no-ambiguity path. You can do it face-to-face or over the phone — I don’t recommend texting. Make it clear but do it in a kind and considerate way. The other person might respond craving reasons or explanations; proceed compassionately with as much or as little detail as feels appropriate for you.

How to verbally tell someone you want to take a break from your friendship

You can say, you know, “Hey _____, I’d love to have a conversation about a transition I see coming in our friendship. Are you open to that?” And then have a heartful conversation where you share your feelings and be clear about your need to step back. Don’t feel pressured to stay in the friendship if it really doesn’t feel right for you. But try to keep an open mind to hearing how the other person feels. They might feel the same way you do and be so grateful that you actually brought it up! Or they might actually be really caught off-guard and surprised and sad. That could happen so be aware of that.

How to break up with a friend in writing

If you choose to write a letter or a card, think about how you want to frame it. For example, if you do a card, do you want it to be a thank you card? Like, “I’m writing to let you know that I need to take a break from our friendship but I want to thank you for all these weeks/months/years of friendship and what you brought to my life…” and you can include many of the things you’ve been grateful for in this friendship.

Maybe you want it to be a goodbye card, or a taking-a-break card. If you do choose to write, be mindful about how you frame your willingness to hear your friend’s thoughts and feelings. Some people, particularly those who are conflict-avoidant, might choose to put something in writing and make it quite clear that they don’t want to hear back from the other side. But that’s not really fair. It can look like a power play and come across as very selfish, because you get to say how you feel, but you’re closed-off to hearing how the other person feels. That’s not really a smooth way to end a friendship with good mojo. So I would suggest — in sharing your piece via writing — to invite the other person to write back or set up a conversation if they’d like to and if you’re open to it. 

Whichever way you choose to do it, remember these options for leaving your friendship. You can choose to have a conversation, or you can choose to write it out in a letter, a card, or an email. I don’t suggest texting for many reasons, especially because of the ways that text can be misconstrued, and texts are generally too short to convey the important things in life, and super long texts provoke ire and indicate that a conversation would actually be a better fit. 

No matter which way you choose to do it, please be kind. Because even if you do it as kindly and gently as possible, there is a very good chance that the other person will still have hurt feelings. So just remember to be as considerate and compassionate to them as you would want, if someone was delivering that message to you.

Preventing resentment in friendship

Okay, for the second half of this question, which had to do with the friend who has this friendship that it seems like the other friend is jealous or there's been some kind of built-up resentments over time, this one’s a little bit more tricky. 

You can certainly follow the same advice I just gave. But I want to especially speak to this part of their letter where they’re referencing the fact that they have a lot of built-up resentments they’re worried will pour out if they try to have this conversation about stepping back from the friendship.

I first wanna offer this reader some empathy. I have definitely made the same mistake before of letting things build up and build up, and then, OMG, it all comes flooding out and it’s a mess! It’s not great. So kudos to you for acknowledging that this might happen and doing what you can to prevent that. Those are very important lessons that hopefully we only make once in life and don’t need to repeat them!

So what I suggest here is first to honor the fact that you have a lot of feelings that it sounds like have been building up for a while — and those feelings deserve your attention. So I suggest that you get a sheet of paper, or if you prefer to type, write on your computer. Write down everything that you want to say, no matter how longwinded, repetitive, angry, or messy — and do not send that letter. It's important to get it out, to acknowledge it for yourself. Write down every single thing that’s in your heart, but don’t give them that version of the letter because it will likely be completely overwhelming.

Take that first version of your letter and then make another version that’s half as long. And then make another version that’s half as long, until you get it down to just a few key sentences that hold the message you’re trying to convey, and you still feel like in integrity with yourself and the boundaries you need to hold. This short version also lets the other person clearly know how you feel. If you choose to share it, share that final version that’s actually quite short, and still holds the integrity and compassion that you want it to contain. 

In the future, to prevent this from happening again. My advice for you is to practice better boundaries and clearer communication along the way so that your resentments don’t stack up into some kind of raging river that you gotta figure out how to either release or not release. It’s much more difficult once it’s a large body of water than just a few trickles here and there.

If improving your communication skills and improving boundaries is something that you want to work on — you’re not alone, I do too! A lot of people I know want to work on this too because it's a really great practice for life — I have a few resources to share for that in the links below — they’re three books that I highly recommend that are wonderful for this particular type of practice, which will serve you in not just your friendships, but in every other part of your life as well.

The first book I recommend (and they’re in random order) is called The Sugar Jar, and it’s by Yasmine Cheyenne. The full title is The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things in Life. It’s a beautiful book. I’m really loving it and I highly recommend checking it out.

Another book I suggest for setting boundaries with friends is called Set Boundaries: Find Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. That one’s by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

And the third book I recommend for practicing boundaries is The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say No and Mean It by Susan Newman. What I love about this one is that she categorizes the book according to all different categories of life where you might need to say no or negotiate a different arrangement, whether it’s work, life, friendship, relationships, family, or whatever it might be. It has different examples of scripts that you can say or modify. 

My work focuses on all the topics of friendship, and usually it’s about how to invite new friends into your life and keep them there, but sometimes we need to say no or take a step back. Both of today’s advice questions truly were about a form of saying no. Taking a break in friendship—whether the break is temporary or permanent—is never easy, but it can be navigated with grace and kindness. So I hope today’s advice will help you make both of those nos that you need to deliver quite clear, but also be compassionate and kind for those friends you are choosing to release from your life. And don’t forget to be kind and compassionate to yourself as well. 

I’ll close with a few quotes about the end of a friendship:

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.” — Unknown

“‘What do I want them to remember when I’m gone?’ I need to say that, and only that, clearly.” — Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations

“Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that some people only enter your life as a temporary happiness.” — Unknown

“We all lose friends… We lose them in death, to distance, and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not.” — Amy Marie Walz

Alright, that’s it for today. Feel free to send in your questions and letters anytime. I love getting them, and I look forward to connecting with you next time.

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